god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
