That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
