Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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