I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
where are you?
Hypothermia
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
