I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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