What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
