I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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