I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
