Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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