Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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