He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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