Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
bring money and cleavage
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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