i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
