I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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