dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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