Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he laminated a picture of his dick.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
