people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
