Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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