im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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