so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
