I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
