umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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