i think i have herpe
just one?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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