what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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