she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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