Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
