Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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