Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
