Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
