new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
