I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
