I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
