Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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