my mouth tastes like poor choices
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
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