So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
