I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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