Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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