Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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