Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
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