this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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