walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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