one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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