dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
you never un-have a 4some
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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