Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I smell stomach acid.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just high enough for therapy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
