i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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