i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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