its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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