My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize