I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
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