Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
