My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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