I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
