she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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