im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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