If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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