I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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