Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
