Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
