I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
