I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
